Welcome to the USAR

The Oval Office

 

So, Comrade President, are you ready for today's briefing? There is much to cover.

Yes, Comrade Emanuel, proceed.

First, the proletariat has readily accepted the name change for the country: The Union of Socialist American Republics.

Excellent, Rahm, I told you it would not be a problem. They are sheep.

Indeed, Comrade President. They believe you are their savior and trust your judgment.

Fools. By the way, speaking of fools, what are we doing about the Pelosi problem?

We have organized a putsch in San Francisco that will oust her in the next election. It will save us from further embarrassment in the next congressional session.

But, Rahm, we need a contingency plan in case the people decide to continue with their support for her. These fanatics may betray us.

We have that covered. We have planted someone in the maintenance crew of the G5 Air Force plane she always insists upon. She will have an unfortunate accident.

Clever. I actually prefer that to the putsch. Now, what about Hillary?

She is not a problem. We have her flitting about visiting inconsequential countries. It's Bill that worries me. That cracker is smarter than her and has a huge ego.

Keep an eye on him. Or, better yet, find him a woman. What else?

Cap and trade. It's not going down very well outside of Hollywood and the tree huggers. The masses are seeing their money evaporating to pay their fuel and electric bills.

They will adapt. They have no choice. I won.

Yes, Comrade President. Another concern is the plan to nationalize health care. There is fierce opposition on some fronts.

Get Sebelius in here tomorrow. We'll distract the people by pushing a pro-abortion agenda.

Very good. One last item. There are rumors that terrorists will attack a major national landmark in the very near future. Of course, we cannot verify that because we stopped surveillance last year.

More Bush era hysteria. . . . . Rahm, I think I'll be staying at Camp David for the foreseeable future. Double the guard there and put on an extra secret service detail.

As you wish, Comrade President.

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Last modified: April 9, 2009