Rampant Rage
I'm tired of all those old bastards hanging around the boat ramp laughing at me when I put my boat in. Most of them will wind up blowing through a storefront some day and taking out a few people. Of course, they'll blame a stuck accelerator pedal. Yeah, right! How many of them could back up a trailer or, for that matter, even drive a pickup? Hell, they can't even step up into a four wheel drive cab without risking hip replacement! They are a public nuisance and should be confined to dog tracks and bingo parlors!
Who would pick up all the bottles and cans? Where would we get baggers for the supermarket? - Ed
Not Smiling
I've visited WalMart a lot and no one greets me at the door. All the geezers are talking to each other and their cronies. You know that ad they have on TV where the old redneck says if you don't have a smile on your face, he'll give you one of his? I'll bet he beats his wife. And speaking of smiles, I've never seen the smiley face bouncing around knocking down the prices. I'd like to see that. Come to think of it, I haven't even seen any price signs like that. Can't the town make them do what they show on TV? Like block the entrance or something?
Hmmm. You do pose a problem that should be addressed. Perhaps someone in the psychiatric center at Jordan Hospital could help. Why don't you pop down there and tell them about your observations. - Ed
Thar She Blows!
You know, I can help those people out on the ocean trying to save that whale with the rope caught in its jaw. They gave it enough drugs to kill an elephant and it just kept swimming along, right? Well, what they need to do is lob some dynamite out in front of it and stun it. That's what stun grenades do to people, right? Then they lasso it to hold it up, right? Then they just yank the rope out and hang around until it wakes up, right? Do I get a reward or something if they use my idea?
Maybe you should contact Woods Hole and see if there are any openings. - Ed
Wants Sex
Why are you scaring people? Are you people soft in the head? My son got on you web site somehow and now he's having nightmares about trolls and stuff. I can't block it because you don't have any sex stuff there. Please put some sex stuff on so I can block it.
Nope. Too bad. The little bugger will probably need Prozac in a year or so. - Ed
Esplanot!
What's happening to this country? The big Esplanard concert in Boston for the 4'th of July must have been run by a bunch of bleeding hearts. Oh, Debbie Reynolds was all right. She was a looker once. But that Cindy Lauper jumping all around the stage screaming was just a disgrace. And what about that Arlo Guthrie? Sure his old man wrote This Land is Your Land, but back in the thirties he was nothing but a commie! Did they tell you that? No!
What we didn't understand was why we had to watch Peter Jennings, a Canadian, sit there reading patriotic material. Surely there must be one American who could have done a passable job. And leave Woody Guthrie alone. If you're a union man you should know better. - Ed
Blue Southern Belle
Hello. We've just recently relocated to Plymouth from Savannah and I cannot understand all of the hard feelings and bitterness in this sweet town. Why, in Savannah we had grand parties and balls every month and the men just took such good care of things. I so wish things could be like that here in Plymouth. Sometimes I regret that my husband has been transferred here, but I shall try real hard to please him and I shan't cry.
Atta girl. Have another mint julip and toss The Stepford Wives into the VCR . You'll be fine. - Ed
Parking Peeve
Why is it that anytime I try to go downtown to spend my money I can't find a place to park? Is it because of that snot-nosed kid that opened that hip new restaurant not only fills parking spaces with his three cars, and one truck painted as some kind of 70's testosterone little bleep billboard, along with his two dumpsters that occupy former parking spaces in the Middle St. lot and also the self proclaimed (and self-painted) "no parking zone" by the rear door of his establishment? I hope not. But then again we can all dance to the music he BLASTS on outdoor speakers for all of us.
Hey! We like Jimmy Buffett! - Ed
Last Call
Please help me! I mistakenly mixed up my medication and took a triple dose of digitalis. My heart is going like the bejeebers! My address is 59 Hea...
Should have called 911. But then again, it's tough hanging up a good modem connection, isn't it? - Ed
Murder, She Wrote?
Well! There's something going on with a group of women in this town that scares me to death! I'm not one to spread rumors, but there are four or five women involved and they are up to no good. I see them all the time in restaurants. They act real sly and use secret words and clam up whenever anyone appears to be interested in their goings on. Let me tell you, someone better watch these women. I think they're planning to kill their husbands! And they drink like fish!
Nah. They're harmless. Well, they DO drink a lot, but they don't own any guns yet. - Ed
Cynical on Cedarville
I'm sure happy for the Cedarville crowd who whined about Home Depot until they put it way up route 3 on Long Pond Road. Now they are whimpering about how they don't want low income housing down there. Hey, what's the problem? Now you can load up your new neighbors and their trash and drive up to the transfer station together. Then you can hop over to Home Depot where you'll find that six foot high stockade fencing you decided you would need on the drive up. I hear they also have quality burglar alarms in stock. Look at the bright side. You're not that far from the canal, although it might be a challenge climbing the fencing on the bridge.
Can't we all just get along? - Ed
Plover Rage
Here we goddamn go again! The Piping bleeping Plovers are back squatting on the beach to have their little orgies and produce MORE Piping bleeping Plovers. Then next year there'll be MORE of them and so on until, finally, there'll be so many of them no one would want to use the beach anyway what with all the bird crap everywhere! I say we get a steamroller and mash them flat! Then let the foxes out there for Plover pancakes.
Let us know what time you commute to and from work, OK? Anyway, it won't work. They won't let the steamroller on the beach. No four wheel drive. - Ed
Nice Work If You Can Get It
OK, I know you said no pictures, but you gotta make an exception here. See, when a certain aspiring restaurateur was in training, he was sent to check out the firmness of the melons. Well, I guess he got the 'hang ' of it pretty quickly, judging by the gleam in those eyes. You don't have the stones to show this photo!
And I thought that baseball was his passion. Check out the mirror over her right shoulder for a good perspective. And, no, it isn't fake.- Ed
Where's Vinny and Tom
Anyone seen Vinny DeMacedo or Tom O'Brien around? They voted against funding the Clean Elections Law a couple of weeks ago and haven't been heard from since. I can understand O'Brien being missing, since Finneran probably sent him on a fact-finding trip to Tahiti as a reward, but Vinny's a Republican. Why would he go on the lam? Oh..... I guess I answered my own question.
Yeah, it's not because gas prices are up in Cedarville. Anyway, it's always a pleasure when I see that someone finally gets it. - Ed
Politically
Correct
So, you want a mayor. I predict that you'll get one, but it won't make any difference. The mayor will be either a lawyer or a realtor from Plymouth. The city council will be made up of the current crop of selectmen and a few other usual suspects. The newspaper publisher will be in bed with all of them. They will all get low real estate assessments and they will all grow rich in the end. When we get fed up, the current mayor will step down, but still be in the club. The new mayor will pretend to be on our side with whatever we are upset about, but ignore us after the election. Politicians always screw the people who elect them.
OK, but we will get a mayor, right?. - Ed
Stupid Rumors
You won't print this! I heard that your pals are going kayaking and camping and you won't go with them because they're gay. Well, if you can go to football games with them, what's the difference?
How do these rumors get started? - Ed
No Accounting for Taste
I
was sitting next to a guy at a bar and the bartender mixed some concoction
of brown powder, 1/2 and 1/2 cream, cold coffee, and Irish whiskey - Freakin
weird huh !!!
Trying to get free advertising, eh Mike? Anyway, no other place will serve it to him, so who's the weird one here? - Ed
Sick of Picture
Hey! You know that union guy? The one who runs the town employees union? Why do I got to see his face in the paper every week? You know the guy I mean? The one who said his union guys shouldn't vote for Vinny deMacedo cause he's against labor? I mean, give me a break! Why's the guy's picture in the paper every freakin week? Cause I'm just wondering, you know?
Maybe the paper is afraid their water will be shut off or something - Ed
Geezerizing
You don't know bleep! I been around since nineteen hundred and seventeen and I seen it all. There was the rope factory and there was the trolley. War came along sometime then and my friend old Joe couldn't go cause his left foot was both the same. I got in, though, I think. Saved your bacon! You couldn't find your ass with both hands! Gotta go. They're coming.
Still with us, eh? - Ed
Smoking Rage
All you nonsmokers are a bunch of bleeping bleeps! We're gonna fix you guys good! Don't even try to get near The Rock this summer. We'll be all around it and we'll all light up. You can't do a thing about it cause it's outside! Bunch of freakin wimps! "Oh, no, I don't want to sit in the huge smoke-free dining room. I want to ruin it for the smokers by insisting the whole place is mine." Well, screw all of you! And to all the European tourists, I say, " Welcome to Amerika's Hometown!".
Maybe you could stage a demonstration with the Native Americans this Thanksgiving. After all, they introduced Europeans to tobacco. - Ed
Cable News
Well, here it is Saturday night and once again my cable link is down! I can't get HBO. I can't get any news. I can't get bleeping bleep or any other bleep! And I had to use a modem to send you this e-mail! Who is in control here? I need my cable! If I don't have cable, I might have to talk to my wife. I haven't had to speak to her since I got my first cable connection. Goddamnit, get this straightened out or, by God, there's going to be a SERIOUS situation here at my house! Bleeping SERIOUS! You understand? Life and death! BYE!
Get a grip. - Ed
You Surely Don't Mean Me
Yes, I was wondering if the leash law applies to my dog. You see, we moved here from South Jersey, and it was legal to let your dog run around crapping on people's lawns and killing their cats or whatever. Well, it wouldn't be fair to my Mitzy to tie her up after she's gotten used to running loose, now, would it? People just don't think when they pass these stupid laws. And anyway, the cats run around. Why are they special?
Uh, they don't bark, they don't attack kids, and they kill rats and mice? OK, so they nail an occasional bird. South Jersey, eh? Figures. - Ed
Copyright
© 2000-2009 Argyll Associates
Last modified:
February 22, 2009